Day 5: Your Audience in Your Head Getting Over the Fear of Judgment
We‘ve all experienced this. You‘re on the verge of uploading that radical new design, applying for the most spectacular job, or simply sporting an ensemble a little “over the top” for your small hometown when, all of sudden, you hear a ghostly jury summoned in the back of your mind.
The jury isn‘t strangers. It’s your snooty cousin who always has a sarcastic comment to make, your college roommate who is convinced she has life all figured out, and your parents who seem to be wearing a heavy wool coat on the hottest day of summer.
Now our quest to self-actualize us, and we are confronting the heaviest anchor of all: The Fear of Judgment.
First, be humane with yourself. If your mouth feels dry or you experience a lump in your throat when contemplating your classmates’ opinions, you are not “weak”, you’re just human.
From an evolutionary perspective, “judged” and expelled from the tribe was a death sentence. We are wired for Groupness because 10,000 years ago, the lone wolf didn‘t (just) get lonely the lone wolf didn‘t make it through the winter.
However, this is today‘s world: Your existence doesn‘t depend on your aunt‘s valuation of your decisions any more. In a networked world, where we live with caveman minds “judged” by lot dozens of individuals before your cappuccino is born you must, yes, cut through your hardware.
1. The Spotlight Effect: You Aren‘t the Main Character (to them)
Psychologists call “Spotlight Effect” the tendency to think others are paying more attention to our actions or appearance than they actually are.
The Truth: People are way too busy worrying about their own insecurities, their own growing bills, and their own “phantom juries” to give more than a passing glance at yours.
When you think “If my business fails, they will think I‘m a loser.” What actually happens? Most people will look at your update, think “Huh. Neat.” and then go right back to looking for a piece of spinach in their smile. You are the star of your story, but in everyone else‘s you‘re just an extra. There is a huge, shimmering liberator in that.
2. Identifying the “Inner Critic” vs. “Outer Voices”
Sometimes we project our doubt to everyone and forget that there‘s really no reader. Sorry. When it is the reader, we project it to our family. Every family member must have his or her own subverter.
Projection: “If I leave this high paying job my father will think I’m a failure” (p. 117).
Reality: you are ashamed of your desire to take things more slowlyand this internalized notion of your dad‘s hypothetical voice is the source of your self-flaggelation.
Before you allow yourself to spiral, ask yourself: Has this person really said this to me? Or, am I just pre-emptively defending myself against a ghost? If they haven‘t spoken it, drop it. If they have spoken it, go to the next point.
3. The “Opinion Tax”
Imagine The Box is like a tax you pay for delving into anything interesting. If you only do what is expected and stay in your lane and never make trouble, you‘ll only have an “Opinion Tax” to live with. But you‘re living someone else‘s life.
But if you choose to be authentic, the tax increases. Some may fail to understand, some will hate what you do.
The Strategy: Determine whose opinions have become the “currency” you now pay for every response you send out.
Eventually, ask yourself
Do they begin with compassion and development?
Will they ever really understand my heart?
If the answer is “no,” then the answer is what we‘d call a “mirror image” “counterfeit currency.” Don‘t let it purchase space in your mind.
4. Reframe Judgment as a Compass
The irony is that what you fear on judgment day is probably pointing you straight at what you need to do. We are judgment-free about the things that aren‘t that important to us. You don‘t care if people judge your choice of toothpaste. You care if they judge your poetry, your parents, your new career.
That fear is a cue that you are in touch with something small and tender. Rather than interpreting the fear as a stop sign, interpret it as a you-are-here marker on the map of your development.
5. Practical Steps for the Next 24 Hours
In order to break the spell of judgment, you have to do “micro-risks.” You can‘t think our way out of this; you need to act our way out of this.
The “So What?” Drill: If your friends grade you, what‘s the real outcome? Will your car break down? Will the sun take a day off? More times than not the “worst-case-scenario” is a few uncomfortable seconds.
Limit the committee: You are not obligated to give everyone a front row seat to your process. It is fine to place family members on an “information diet” while you are building a new and delicate creation.
Own the Narrative. When you are talking about your choices assertively you provide fewer opportunities for others to dump their doubt into your story. Rather than making reassuring comments like “I‘m trying this little thing I hope its not stupid,” make statements like “I‘m really excited to be focused on [X] right now because its congruent with my values.”
The Final Word
When your time comes, you won‘t be serenaded out of this life with the award of “Most Consistently Respected by Classmates.” Nor will you be given an Award of “Dad Never Had To Talk to my Teacher.”
The only thing that will count is if you showed up as yourself. The ones who sincerely love you will learn to love you in your new form and the ones who don‘t, never truly loved you. They loved the part of you that they felt comfortable with.
Now, for a moment, do one tiny thing the “phantom jury” would disapprove of. Smite your imagination with one sting of their “judgment”, and then remember...you are still alive.
#mentalhealthawareness#mindfulness #wellbeing#selfcare#positivevibes#loveyourself #educationforall
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